Tinkering With Fear

I can’t stay off of the Diamond right now. Last Wednesday, Jacob and I hiked to the summit with Brendan (the friend who taught me to skydive). Friday after skydiving, Jacob and I went back up to bivy and climb Pervertical Sanctuary in the morning. There had been a light snow, and the Diamond was gorgeous with little white snow patches on the face.


Climbing with Jacob is always a delight, and I felt relaxed and happy as we cruised up the beautiful crack systems.
We climbed fast and efficiently, reaching the top at 10:30, just as the sun started to move off the face and leave it COLD. Perfect timing, because we could just walk off the top, down the north face, and down the Camel, staying in the sun all the time, rather than doing the rappels on the cold face.

But, as always recently, I wondered to myself about fear. Why do I feel completely unbothered with a rope on, making long run-out pitches with huge fall potential? Is it because I know I could put gear in, if I really wanted to? Or is it a more illogical feeling of safety because my body senses the harness on my waist, and the weight of the rope under me, even if it wouldn’t do much for me if I choose to climb with very little gear?

Last time I free soloed the Diamond, I felt kind of afraid on the 5.10 crux pitch of the Casual Route, though it had seemed easy and mellow when I had climbed it the previous day with Jacob, placing no gear. I’ve been thinking about fear a lot recently, what with all the skydiving, and having been in a free solo groove since last June. For some reason, I am much less afraid of things than I used to be. Partly, it’s because of the unique place I’m at in my life right now, but I think it has a lot to do with skydiving also. I feel pretty sure this freedom from fear is not the result of a death wish–after all, I did get scared that time on the Diamond, so that would imply that I was afraid of falling and dying–but rather something else, some deep feeling of confidence or maybe nonattachment that I haven’t had before. I’m not sure exactly what, or why, and I am wondering about it a lot.

As Jacob and I walked down, I decided I should come back up after a skydiving day, and free solo the Casual Route again. I wanted to see if I would feel more relaxed this time, as the last time I started a little too early, and was cold and tense as I climbed. I suspected the fear came only from that, but I wondered if I was actually afraid of the free solo. I figured if I climbed it again, eliminating the early start and cold, numb feet, I could find out for sure. There really is no reason to be afraid–I know that the more relaxed and loose I can be free soloing, the safer I am.

Monday morning, I did a late “alpine start”, leaving the Longs Peak parking lot at a quarter to 5 a.m. I was shocked and delighted to see no one on the Diamond at all, only one party climbing on Chasm View wall. I’ve never gotten to climb on the Diamond and have it all to myself. What a treat!

Except for the clouds rolling overhead, and the strong west wind (which might explain the lack of people), it was perfect. The beautiful little snow patches I had enjoyed seeing on the face two days ago had melted, making the large flakes on the traverse pitch into water dishes, as well as most of the cracks all the way up to the crux. Yet, I was warm and relaxed, and felt totally happy and calm, all alone on this beautiful, quiet face.

At the top, I sat for a while and watched the clouds roll over, until raindrops started falling on me. Good timing!

Walking down, I thought more about fear. Really, I should have been much more nervous soloing the Diamond pretty late in the morning, with a storm forecast and stormy conditions rolling in and wet rock. But I felt totally comfortable, relaxed and confident–like things were going to be fine for me, and I would reach the top safely. I was free to enjoy the touch of the pink and gold granite, and the positive edges and cracks under my hands and feet. I’m starting to think it’s all about relaxation, and good feelings inside. I love the Diamond, so much, that it’s hard for me to even express it in words. I feel happy there.

Life has thrown some hard curveballs at me in the last year, and coming out of that dark time, I’m so much less afraid of things than I’ve ever been. I see now that bad things often happen for a reason, to bring us to a new place. This freedom from fear seems to have brought me to a new place in climbing and also in my life, to a place I never even knew existed before…..